How to Renew the Joy in Your Marriage
Marriage

By Meg Gemelli, Crosswalk.com
Are you sitting in public right now? If so, look to your right and left. One in every five of people within your line of sight suffer from an unhappy relationship.
Does that seem like a lot to you? Not to me. Honestly, Iâm surprised the number is so few! But as a Christian Marriage and Family Therapist, my perspective is a little skewed. I serve the unhappiest of couples, and pray daily that our work together will change lives for the better.
Happiness is a subjective measure, and quantifying the meaning of the word for most couples seems as big a challenge as nailing Jello to a wall. In faith communities, we commonly refer to happiness as gladness, counting it all joy, staying in perfect peace, or being blessed.
But Scripture paints a number of interesting pictures of what it means to have the joy of the Lord in all circumstances. Not all of them are harmonious, or even desirable. Itâs the stuff of jail cells, chains, and Paulâs suffering--all in the name of Love.
So what does that mean for marriage? Does the commitment naturally become a drudge? Is it just something to be tolerated in the name of holy joy, despite our experiences of loneliness, betrayal, and disappointment?
Does your âfeeling happyâ matter to God at all?
Probably. How else could a writer celebrate such an elation of love, as in Songs and Proverbs? I suggest to you that God does actually care about your happiness. And though weâre warned that the Christian life isnât easy, we are promised that two are better than one.
Creation itself presents solid evidence for married couples benefitting from a happy connection. Couples are less likely to suffer from depression, heart disease, high blood pressure, and other illnesses.
This is especially true for older couples, who report having significantly less conflict, higher rates of intimacy, and feelings of both pride and nostalgia when it comes to their relationship legacy.
Even so, happiness is an ever-changing state. Ask any couple married for more than a few years and theyâll agree--their relationship is often the best part, and the worst part of every single day.
Here are 4 signs of an unhappy marriage, and what to do about it.
1. Youâre Keeping Score
âDo not seek revenge or hold a grudgeâŠâ Lev. 19:18
Do you know what the difference is between a romantic partner and a co-worker? Intimacy. And when itâs lacking, itâs human nature to notice whoâs doing the most work. We keep score--and while some of us nag, others of us silently seeth.
Remember when you were first married and the kitchen looked as if the fridge and cupboards exploded? Yet there you sat, cuddled up on the couch, oblivious...
If youâre feeling resentment toward your spouse, and wonder if he or she even cares about how hard you work anymore, youâre likely unhappy. Itâs a self-fulfilling prophecy. If youâve begun to create a mental list of all the ways your partner is failing, thereâs no doubt that he or she will continue to do so.
Thereâs also no doubt that youâll want to hold a grudge in return.
2. Youâre Withholding Communication, Affection, or Praise
"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway.â Mother Teresa
If youâve stopped praying for your spouseâŠ
If you canât even force yourself to utter a kind wordâŠ
If you shrink away from his or her touchâŠ
Unhappiness is rooted in the heart.
When we experience pain, our initial human response is to shrink back. We avoid the person or activity causing the hurt, and isolation puts us at high risk of ungenerous self-preservation. It becomes a cycle. As we protect ourselves, we cause injury to our spouses, who in turn respond to their own pain by retreating from us.
...And round and round it goes.
3. Youâve Begun to Seek Affirmation and Encouragement Outside of the Marriage
âFor God has not given us a spirit of fear...but of power, love, and self-discipline.â 2 Tim. 1:7
A coworker, your best friend, or the personal trainer at your gym--it feels amazing to receive a kind word when your spouse feels more like a criticizing boss than a teammate.
If I canât get it at home, at least somebody cares enough to support me here...
Beware, these are the thoughts that have paved the way to doom for countless marriages by way of infidelity or neglect. If you can relate, itâs time to acknowledge the truth: Unhappiness has probably been around too long.
4. Youâre Hyper-Focused on the Kids, and Youâre Going Through the Motions with Your Spouse
And activities, vices, and entertainment all seem more pleasurable than spending time as a couple.
âSo we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God, but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth.â 1 John 1:16
Whatâs better than having to deal with a problem head-on? Distraction! (At least it feels that way for a little while). If youâre constantly grabbing for something, anything to fill the minutes of a day, rather than facing your spouse, an unhappy marriage is likely to blame.
And the truth is being squelched by over-stimulation.
Sadly, this tactic will fail over time. Activities end, kids move away, and thereâs only so many hours of TV one person can digest in a day. And after all the avoidance, the problem of unhappiness will be greater than it ever was at the beginning.
Worse still, your kids might feel as though they were the center of your universe--pressured to perform by an over-involved parent.
Perhaps weâre not as âbusyâ as we all think we are...itâs possible that weâre simply avoiding an unhappy marriage. Now what?
Here are 3 essentials for how to heal from an unhappy marriage:
Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Jon Asato
If youâve gotten this far and you can relate to any of the signs, I want you to know that there is now âno condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.â Weâve all experienced feelings of sadness, disconnection, and disappointment in our marriages, and itâs not the final word.
Itâs OK to admit that life isnât turning out how you thought it would. Youâre normal. But if youâre tired of feeling lonely and sad, and you know that God has called you to something more in marriage, here are some ideas that will help.
1. Identify the Truth. Tell the Truth.
â...You came when I called; You told me, âDo not fear.ââ Lam. 3:57
The problem isnât really his career, is it? Itâs the fact that your loneliness overwhelms you as you feed, bathe, and put the kids to bed alone night after night.
And the problem isnât really her busy schedule, right? Itâs that it seems as if she makes time for everybody else...except you. And it feels like rejection.
Couples fight about money, intimacy, work, and kids, but at the root of every single argument lies the same question:
Are you here for me? Are we on the same team and do you still want me around?
We blame one another with accusations and demands, but what weâre really protesting is the distance between us. We struggle to find each other through the loneliness and hurt. But the only way to discover true happiness, is to stop focusing on the superficial details of daily life. We cut straight to the heart of it instead.
I still love you. Iâve missed you for too long. Iâm sorry. I want you close to me again.
2. Stop Blaming. Take Responsibility.
âGet up, for it is your duty to tell us how to proceed in setting things straight. We are behind you, so be strong and take action.â Ezra 10:4
This is one of the most difficult truths in all of counseling and ministry to understand (and one that clients love to hate):
Nobody can force us to âfeel,â at least not for any length of time. They can influence or trigger us. Ignore us. Or misinform. But not a single human can force us to entertain specific thoughts over and over again, that result in feelings. We reinforce and solidify our own feelings, therefore we need to claim a fierce ownership of our thought lives.
Unhappiness is often rooted in the stories we tell ourselves about our spouses. If we ruminate on their negative traits, we have zero chance of experiencing happiness in marriage. What if you repeated the following sentences in your head every single day?
a) My husband doesnât care about me. Iâm just a maid to him. As long as he has food, clean laundry, and somebody to watch the kids, heâs happy. Heâs the most selfish person I know.
b) She doesnât want to be close to me. She just gives in to intimacy because weâre married. She must âfeel tiredâ so many nights because she doesnât find me attractive.
If I had a quarter for every time I heard somebody make those commentsâŠBut look at what a difference an unconditional, positive opinion of your spouse could make.
a) I feel overlooked and exhausted right now, and I wonder if itâs because heâs tired too. Maybe he hasnât noticed my work, but on the other hand, I havenât told him how much his appreciation means to me. I donât praise his work nearly as often as I should either, but Iâm so thankful that he does it. I like to hear it, but I wonder if, and how, he feels appreciated. I need to find out. Heâs a good man and I know heâs doing his best.
b) I feel lonely and rejected right now, and I wonder if itâs because sheâs so physically tired that she hasnât thought about it. I crave closeness, but I havenât told her how much comfort she brings when weâre together at the end of a long, stressful day. I wonder if she feels the same way I do, or if thereâs a different type of comfort that she needs more. Sheâs a good woman and I know sheâs doing her best.
Intimately connected couples donât expect their partner to read their minds. They assume the best, and communicate the rest thoughtfully, and with a spirit of grace.
3. Make Time. And Make No Apologies for It.
âLet your yes be yes, and your no, be no...â Matt. 5:37
No Iâm sorry. We canât volunteer Saturday night, because I havenât had alone time with my spouse in a week.
No son, you canât have a slumber party Friday because weâre overdue for a family fun night.
Unfortunately, I canât take on that extra office project right now. My self-care and family time has been suffering lately, and Iâve made the decision to prioritize my responsibilities.
Happiness dies in the swirling vacuum of isolated goal-setting. So itâs one-hundred percent up to us to reclaim precious time and create moments that foster joy. It may frustrate those whoâve become accustomed to your many âyesâs,â but sometimes ânoâ is the holiest word in all the heavens when it comes to fighting for the health and happiness of your marriage.
The common-sense realization we must come to, is that none of us can continue doing exactly what weâre doing now, and expect a different result. The changes that are decisive, made together, and God-led are the ones that will reignite not just happiness in marriage, but passion.
At the end of the day, our feelings of happiness arenât the final destination anyway. And the goal isnât to chase after or manufacture the fleeting, all-consuming emotional highs. Instead, we remember that pure happiness is merely a byproduct of the sacred gift of relationship.
It exists within the space between two souls, connected by the warmth of Holy Spirit.
Because truly, the greatest of these is always Love.
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Ivanko_Brnjakovic
Meg Gemelli is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and the founder of theMakingofaMarriage.com. Along with polishing her Crossfit participation trophies, she can be found Pinterest-failing in the kitchen, glamping with the fam, or reading a great book oceanside. However flawed, she practices faith over fear every single day.